If you are new to this blog, my "New Laws", are original satire, modeling after Bill Maher's "New Rules". The only difference, is I don't have a staff writing the punch lines.

New Law - Bring Back Poll Tests - Before the Voting Rights Act, southern states used to have poll taxes and tests to ensure only white people could vote. I am no racial bigot; but I am an unabashed anti-stupid bigot. I don't as much not trust the government; as I don't trust stupid voters. My first question would be: are you a member of the Tea Party or Occupy Wall Street? First disqualification. Then I would ask each voter, have they read the positions of each candidate? If not, the second disqualification. This would shorten the voting booth lines dramatically. It would only consist of me and my readers.

New Law - The Kardashians Must Be Deported. Who are the Kardashians anyway? All I know, is they take up too much space in the news. Note to self - add a third question at the polls. If your last name is Kardashian or follow the news of the Kardashians, you are disqualified.

New Law - Meteorology Must Be More Accurate Than The Farmer's Almanac - Meteorology scientists and the Farmer's Almanac both predicted Chicago would have a brutally cold and snowy winter. Instead it has been so warm, that I don't have any snow on my lawn and my grass is greener than in the summer. If I wanted this kind of bad advice; I would do it the old fashioned way: reading my horoscope. 

New Law - Smart Phones Must Have A Phone App - Have you ever seen how ridiculous people look holding electronic bricks to their ear? I have to constantly move my "brick" from my ear to my mouth and back and forth to have a phone conversation. I guess playing "Angry Birds" is more important that a phone conversation. Is it too much to ask for a smart phone to include a flip phone? I noticed in the history books that they used to make phones with enough curve to talk and listen at the same time. See Alexander Bell. Or better yet, for you conspiracy theorists, see Innocenzo Manzetti.

New Law - Obama Can't Say "Let Me Be Clear" - As opposed to what? Party cloudy. "Let me be clear" is the 21st century version of another irritating verbal pause: "To be honest with you". Obama just should say "Here is what I am proposing even though I know it will never happen". That is crystal clear and honest.

Finally New Law - Getting Rid Of Obama Is Not A Political Plank. First Mitch McConnell, than the GOP presidential nominees and recently a Tea Party congressman from Illinois. America needs solutions. It does not need another reality show "Survivor". You would think, there is only Obama, standing between everyone surviving on the island. Having said that, I am completely comfortable using "getting rid of Nancy Pelosi" as a political plank.